You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
