Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
