I looked at my own cervix.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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