I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
