i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Two words: blizzard sex
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
