if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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