Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
