sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
