i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
