They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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