She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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