I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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