Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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