i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
