haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
