why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
