The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
