I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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