Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
