A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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