Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
