I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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