my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Your penis caused this!
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