rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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