I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
