I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
