I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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