We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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