Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
