he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
