and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
