I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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