My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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