I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
