When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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