I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Randomize
