i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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