had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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