my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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