i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
