Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
