I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
