tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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