She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
