So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
