At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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