We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
