wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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