Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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