I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
